For Debbie

9/13/10





9am - The Turtle spouts off with all sorts of catch phrases, "get back in your cage", "you're not working hard enough" "that's what they all say". I was laughing so hard and how funny he is I think I peed a little.





10:15am - Client calls, remember that John Doe guy, we spelled his name wrong on a 1099, it was done at the end of last year, do you remember that? Why yes I do, because that's the only thing I've done since last year.



9/14/10



Lots of God dammits, son of a bitch and fucks coming out of Melly's office. Big guy shows up at 4:30, which I am grateful for because I don't have to hear him and the Turtle yell at each other. It reminds me of what a pigs slaughter house would sound like.



9/15/10



9:45am - Hey Turtle, not that I need to mail anything right now but I noticed that we only have $2.94 left. He responds use it sparingly again it was just so funny.

Turtle The Pull String Doll

The Turtle is like a pull string doll, he only has a set few catch phrases that he uses to express himself. I'm not sure where the lack of creativity comes from perhaps it left with his hair.

1. "Barry I'm tired of this" Said just about everyday, you're not that tired.

2. "Realistically" No please talk to me about things in a fanciful way, realty is over rated.

3. Me asking if I can leave an hour early, "You'll have to come in 3 hours early" We work in a an accounting firm, I thought we knew math here. And this is one that switches but it's a common theme.

4. Him commenting on me working at my computer "I wanna see smoke coming out of this machine" A. It's a computer not some sort of industrial equipment and B. If there's smoke bring a fire extinguisher. (this is a repeat from previous blog, but it just goes to show how often this is said)

5. Walking out of the office for the day. "Where do you think you're going?" "Home" "You did that yesterday" "I do that everyday"

6. He likes to suggest that I show up to work at a ridiculously early time or stay late till the wee hours, also that I should just stay over night in the office.

7. "I saw that" If you take something, like a cookie, a box of staples, anything that you would be allowed to take, but he pretends you're not supposed to have it, get it.

8. Compliments of Deb, "Thank you kindly" We do not live in the south and you are not kind.

9. "Time to go home yet" This is asked at all hours of the day, 9am and on, you're the office manager, close up shop, I'll go home.

10. "It's your fault" This can be in reference to anything, if it's raining outside, he runs out of paper or just casually walking past my office, in which case I have no idea what it is.

11."T-Bone Steak and mashed potatoes" His request for lunch fairly regularly, we never go anywhere that you could actually order this.

12. "Get it done" Thankfully this is not done in a Larry the Cable guy fashion, I'd have to knock his teeth out.

Stupid Questions

Q: What if the weather is like this on August 28th? ~Lowell (it's raining outside and my wedding will be outside on the 28th)

A: We'll cancel the party, don't show up

The Land of Swartz - The Pant Wearer

Another beautiful morning in the land of the Swartz or so we thought. Little did we know a spy was in our midst yesterday, ready to rock the ever uneasy boat we all sit in. The Big Guy, the usual ruler of the land, leads with an oblivious and soft hand with his underling doing the majority of law enforcement through harsh words and unfunny jokes. How naive we all were to think that the Big Guy was the king of the land, but you know what they say behind every good man is a good woman, well in our case he is a mediocre man with an insane woman, introduce the Pant Wearer. Now the Pant Wearer prefers to have her presence felt rather than ever being seen. This is where the spy comes into play, he came in very harmless, looking at the new home for the people of the Swartz, "this is very nice," he said.

The unfortunate part came the day after, fire and brimstone rained down on the people as they entered, "what happened?" they asked. Life had been rolling on at a pleasant pace, as the Big Guy had been on a mission for several weeks and did little to disrupt the flow. The Pant Wearer's spy through everything off balance. Unfortunately the Pant Wearer was upset with the state of the Big Guys throne room and started the "Waterfall of Hate" This does nothing but anger everyone is touches, starting with the Big Guy, then the Tortoise, then the Princess and finally the lowly serfs. It's hard to say when the world will turn around, for now all seems quite, but the winds of change have started and there's no telling what will happen next.

To Be Continued

Motivations

Things that Motivate Me At Work

1. My paycheck, without that I would never even come here.

2. Deadlines, mainly those imposed by the federal government or people getting paychecks on time, for some reason we do not set other deadlines here, something about the honor system.

3. Shmel walking into my office and telling an obscenely long story (ok that's a toss up between actual work and pretending to work)

4. Howard coming into my office (also a toss up)

5. Almost anything the big guy asks me to do as his name appears on my paycheck, see number 1.

Things that Do Not Motivate Me

1. Howard's afternoon/morning/mid morning nap.

2. When the princess watches television on her computer and it is so loud you can hear it through the entire office.

3. When the princess plays games and you can hear the noises coming from hear office or the hunching over her desk and clicking of the mouse that can only be described as facebook time.

4. Howard and the princess/big guy meetings aka Howard sits with his hands on his head and says things, what I'm not sure, but words come out.

5. Howard pounding his fist and telling me to get to work or telling me smoke should be coming out of my computer (If smoke ever does come out I will look for the nearest exit)

6. Howard always refusing to just hand me my paycheck, it is not funny to rip it out of your hand.

7. The lunches we eat, I should be 300 lbs by now.

Gooooooood Morning Swartz!

Some people have the pleasure of starting there day to birds chirping, or if they're really lucky ocean waves gently crashing on the beach. Here we get the slightly high pitched, nasally screaming of the disgruntled office manager. Now the big guy won't be in today, so this is probably just the start and unfortunately the more work Howard has to do the less time he gets for his daily naps.

Howard has a tortoise, incidentally he looks like a tortoise. Which leads me to question, did he already have tortoise tendencies so he decided he needed one or did getting the tortoise give him said tendencies?

Will try to be entertaining

Well you've asked for it so I am going to make every attempt to dazzle you with my word play and wonderful observation skills. I will not pretend that I am the only person on the planet who has a job that makes no sense, I will say however I am in close competition in the land of ridiculousness. Today has been mild, as the big guy was not in the office today and called very little. I do however expect a phone call at quarter to 5 asking someone to do something that will take longer than the 15 minutes that we have left at work. Let the games begin.......